


It Happened One Night

by Joei_Cassidy



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-06-04
Updated: 2012-06-04
Packaged: 2017-11-06 19:13:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 16,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/422225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Joei_Cassidy/pseuds/Joei_Cassidy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He's married; she's not.  He meets her in a bar during a bad day and in a weak moment he gives in.  They were never supposed to see each other again but then fate had something else planned for them.  Then came an agreement - one that should have never been formed but they justified it in their heads - their jobs took so much out of them.  They needed release - from people who understood, who cared, who knew...it wasn't supposed to be complicated...but then nothing ever is supposed to be complicated....EXPLICIT SEXUAL CONTENT - E/O</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Law & Order SVU and its characters are not mine. 
> 
> AU fiction but based on canon - please enjoy and review if you can.

He was pretty sure she had seen his wedding ring. But it didn't seem to matter to her because he was now at her apartment and inside her. Oh God damn, she felt so good. So wet. So tight.

All his years of marriage, he had never cheated on Kathy till tonight. And somehow it felt liberating.

She moaned from under him as he started to thrust in and out of her. "Oh God, Chris. Your cock feels fucking good. So big!" He had not given her his first name. Instead he had shortened his middle name.

What he didn't know was that she had done the same thing. She knew this was a one night thing. And she saw the wedding ring. But she didn't care. Not that night. He was too handsome and she was too horny. So she had brought him home and told him that her name was Grace. Which it was and wasn't. It was her middle name and no one called her that.

Suddenly she flipped them over and she was on top. She grabbed his hands and put them on her breasts. He took the hint and he pulled the hardened nipples with his calloused fingers.

She moaned and she rode him harder. She ground her pussy against his pelvis, and then clenched her vaginal muscles voluntarily making him gasp and shout. "Grace! Do that again! Please!"

A mischievous smile came upon her face and she began to go up and down his hardened shaft. Christ, she was glad she chose him tonight. She had never had a man as big as him. Or as long. He had to be at least 8 inches and THICK.

When she was going down on him earlier, her fingers barely met around his cock. And she almost gagged as she took his cock down her throat. And now he filled up her like no one has before. It was good thing he was married. Because aside from being well endowed and good in bed, they had a fucking great conversation prior to fucking liking rabbits. If he hadn't been married, her heart would be in danger she knew.

She squeezed his cock again with her pussy and Chris moaned in response. He released her breasts and his hands quickly went to her ass, one of them slapping her ass cheek soundly. Grace gave a little yelp but then the slight sting only managed to make her more aroused and wetter.

She started a faster rhythm, grinding her pussy relentlessly against his cock.

But then just as she was feeling her edge come closer, Chris flipped them over again and suddenly he was the one straddling her. A moment later he pulled out and Grace protested. "What the fuck?"

He chuckled and replied, "Relax baby, we're going to finish – both of us. But right now, I want to fuck you doggy style. Is that okay?"

She nodded and gave him a sexy smile. "Sure." And then without needing instructions from him, she went on her fours and wiggled her ass for him.

The next she thing she knew she was being pummeled from behind. She was also so wet that she could hear the wet sounds of him going in and out of her as well as his balls slapping against her. One of his hands grabbed her hair while the other went on one of her breasts, pinching the nipple yet again.

She whimpered loudly. "Fuck! That feels so good! I am so close, baby. Fuck me."

He grunted from behind her and pushed her gently down making her lie down practically on her stomach. The position made it only tighter for him inside her and he could feel his orgasm nearing when his cock twitched.

She was getting close too. He could tell because her pussy which was so wet suddenly clenched around his cock again. But then all at once he pulled out again and quickly turned her over. He opened her legs wide and with one thrust, he rammed his entire length inside her that she gasped.

They were looking at each other now. She gave a little gasp when she saw the unadulterated lust that was surging in him through his stark blue eyes. At the same time, she could tell that he was feeling something beyond lust. But right now, she didn't want to analyze that, she just wanted to drown in those beautiful blue eyes and she just wanted his cock to keep ramming her.

Wow! He thought. She had beautiful eyes. Suddenly, he wished he wasn't married. He had fun with her at the bar. Great conversation and everything. And, God, this fucking great sex too. Better than he ever had with his wife, that's for sure.

She moaned and whimpered loudly once more and he felt her pussy spasm. He gasped. That feeling of her squeezing his cock inside her was absolute heaven.

He grabbed her legs and put them on top of his shoulders. Once again, what was tight was made tighter and suddenly all other thoughts flew from his head. Right now all he could think of was how hot and wet her pussy was and how it felt good inside her even with a condom. He could just imagine how hot and even better she would be bareback.

"Baby…" She whimpered, "I'm so near, fuck me. Fuck me hard."

At her words, he started to thrust harder, faster….her hands that were on his ass began to grip his cheeks harder, her fingernails digging into his skin there. That slight pain only made his movements more frenzied.

"Shit, baby, your pussy's fucking tight."

"And your cock's so big and hard. I love it! Fuck me, I'm so near, Chris."

He took one of her legs down and then getting on his knees, he continued to thrust in and out of her while one hand traveled in between them and found her swollen clit and began to rub it.

She bit her lip as pleasure flooded her entire being. The man was a fucking sex god, damn it. Then suddenly he was crying out loud and she was crying out loud, her pussy started to clamp and pulsate around him as her orgasm crashed squeezing his cock, milking it, driving him to his nirvana. She could feel his cock's every twitch - his cock was spurting his seed now. She could feel him cumming hard and she knew that he must have spilled a lot of semen because his orgasm lasted a long time. Almost as long as hers.

When their orgasms waned, Chris collapsed against her. And then before he could get soft, he pulled out of her. After a few moments, when his breathing normalized, he peeled off the full condom off of him and stood up. He motioned to her and asked, "Where should I dispose of this?"

"Bathroom." She told him, smiling.

"Where is it?"

"That door in front of you."

"Okay. Do you mind if I wash up as well?"

"No problem. Towels are on the cabinet inside, just grab one."

"Okay thanks."

She watched him go to the bathroom and close the door. As he was inside, she also got dressed and grabbed a bottle of beer from the fridge. When she came back, he was done and was already wearing his jeans.

She glanced at the clock. It was nearly midnight and she had an early day tomorrow. As great of a fuck he was, she needed him to get out now.

"So I hope you don't mind if I don't ask you to stay." Her brown eyes met his blue ones.

He smiled and replied, "No it's okay. I gotta get home."

"I noticed." She returned pointedly, giving his wedding ring a knowing stare.

He saw where she was looking and his face suddenly went red. "Uh, I.."

She laughed. "Don't worry about it. It was one night. It was great but let's not pretend this is something it's not."

He felt a little disconcerted at her words, but again he realized that she was just saying the truth. And besides even if she intrigued him and they had a fantastic time earlier even without the fucking, she was right, he was married.

"I've never done this before." He told her truthfully.

She gave him a smile that could only be described as cynical and replied, "If you say so, Chris."

"I'm serious, Grace. I've never done this before." His tone was suddenly serious, like he really wanted to make her believe him.

She searched his face and found nothing there but sincerity. Maybe she was tired. Maybe because he fucked her so well she wanted…needed to believe him but she did believe him. So she nodded and said, "Okay, Chris. I believe you. But let's not make this complicated. I had fun. You had fun. That's it."

"Yeah, that's it…" For some reason even though she was only speaking the truth, he felt let down.

"Well, hate to do this to you, but I have an early day tomorrow. It's my first day in my new job so I can't be late. I gotta get some sleep. Thanks for the great sex."

He was dressed by now and he laughed. "Same here, Grace. Thanks."

"Thanks Chris, bye." She returned, standing up and walking him to the door.

There they shared one last kiss and then he turned around and left. As she watched him leave, she felt a twinge of regret. Why were the good ones taken? She sighed and finally closed the door.

He waited for the elevator to come and as the doors opened, he took one last look at apartment 4D and felt a pang of sadness. Part of him wished this wasn't just a one night stand. But it was and he had to accept that. He knew that he would never see her again. As the elevator doors closed, all he could do was sigh in regret and sadness.

 

"You what?" Munch exclaimed loudly. It was morning and another day was beginning in the 16th precinct.

Elliot had just told Munch that he had cheated on Kathy and slept with a hot chick the night before.

Elliot shrugged and ran his hand through his short cropped hair. "I've never cheated before this John. But man, she was just driving me crazy yesterday and so I went to this bar and the next thing I know I was in this girl's Upper West Side apartment and we were fucking each other's brains out."

Munch began to grin and replied, "Well St. Elliot isn't so saintly after all. I'm glad to hear that you're not as moral as you so moral as you seem to be. So how was the sex?"

Elliot looked at the older detective and replied, "Oh my God it was fucking incredible John. Kathy…Kathy is so freakin' inhibited, this one wasn't. Man, if I were the type to have an affair…"

"But you're not." John interjected.

"No, I'm not. Anyway…I'm never going to see her again. I mean I didn't even give her my real name and plus she saw my wedding ring."

"Well then that's good, she won't be able to stalk you…"

"I highly doubt that she's the stalking kind…."

"Stabler!" Captain Cragen called him.

"Yeah, Cap."

"Come here and meet your new partner, will you?"

"Oh here we go." Elliot rolled his eyes, looking a Munch. "How long do you think this one is going to last?"

Munch snickered. "Well maybe if she's gorgeous, then hopefully a while."

"Fat chance. And besides how did you know it would be a she?"

"Stabler, now!" Cragen called out to him again, looking annoyed at the delay.

Elliot glance at Munch and Munch answered, "Because he told me. Get your butt over there, before he has to call you a third time."

Elliot rolled his eyes again and then muttered, "Here goes nothing."

He stood up and entered the Captain's office. "You wanted to see me, Cap?" Elliot said, closing the door behind him.

A woman was sitting on the chair in front of his desk, but Elliot barely glanced at her.

"Yeah, Elliot, I'd like you to meet your new partner," he motioned to the woman on the chair who now stood up and faced him, "Olivia Benson. Olivia Benson, Elliot Stabler.

Suddenly the world stopped. Not just for Elliot but for Olivia too. They could not believe their eyes, and it was all they could do from gasping and asking a million questions.

In front of Elliot was Grace – the woman he slept with last night. Only she wasn't Grace, she was Olivia Benson. His new partner. His new partner the woman he had slept with last night.

What was he going to do now? What were they going to do now? And suddenly what had been a one night stand no longer was just that. Suddenly it was complicated.


	2. The First Year

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It wasn't supposed to happen again - but then it does and someone makes a suggestion that could change everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A couple of things that need to be said before you read this. From this point on, everything is told from Olivia's point of view, unless otherwise specified. This is Olivia telling the story of her and Elliot, 13 years later. To whom she is revealing all of this to will be revealed at a later part. But for now, just know that this is Olivia finally telling her story. Her story with Elliot.
> 
> I've written this in first person and this is my first attempt in a first person fiction. Hopefully I've succeeded. Please enjoy and please do review!

And that was how we were introduced. Boy, talk about awkward. Of all the men I could have picked that night, I had to pick the guy that would be my partner in my new job. But on the other hand, it told me that I'd never be bored with him.

We also knew it could never happen again. Not if we valued our jobs. And we did. We had both volunteered for SVU and we never would want to jeopardize our positions.

After that introduction, he and I had gone to our first lunch ever as partners and once again, it was awkward. What do you say to a man you thought you'd never see again only to find out that you'd probably be spending most of your waking hours with him from now on?

I still remember the first attempts at conversation. At first we didn't speak but we just eyed each other. We were like two caged animals circling each other warily.

During that lunch, after my initial shock had worn off, I was able to see him fully for the first time. Chris – no Elliot. His name was Elliot and he was a handsome man. He exuded raw masculinity and sexuality even dressed in a staid suit and tie. His eyes in the morning light were even more remarkable from what I remembered last night. Though they weren't smoldering with desire anymore, the intense blue of his eyes took my breath away.

I knew underneath those clothes, his body was equally impressive. Especially his…well I didn't really want to think about that then. We were now partners and as much as I enjoyed fucking him, that couldn't happen again. I remember how my stomach fluttered with butterflies especially those first few days at sudden moments when I would have flashbacks of our night together. But then I would have to rein myself in.

When we finally got to actually saying something that first lunch, we said almost the same thing.

"Why did you tell me your name was Grace?" Elliot asked me, looking a bit hurt.

I chuckled, the ice broke a bit then and I returned the question to him. "Why did you tell me your name was Chris?"

At that Elliot actually started to laugh and the next thing we knew we were both laughing, almost hysterically. Later on I would find out that the reason for his hysterical laughter was nervousness. And when I heard that, I had to laugh again. Elliot was nervous? That's definitely hysterical.

After our laughter had died down, Elliot turned to me, his blue eyes gazing straight at me and made a confession. "I'm sorry I lied about my name. I mean I didn't lie. My middle name is Christopher but no one calls me that and I figured, it was one night. Just like you said, so it didn't matter. So there…your turn."

"Wow, it's kind of scary how a man I just met last night could think so similar to me."

"What do you mean?"

I chuckled again as I replied, "My middle name is Grace. I figured I didn't want to lie but at the same time, I just met you and you were clearly married and I didn't want complications."

After he heard what I said, the smile on his face faded and it was replaced by a serious expression. I wondered if he had the guts to ask the obvious next question and to my surprise he did. "Neither do I Olivia. I know today is different from last night but…I need to know if you can handle this being not complicated."

There was a part of me that wanted to get mad. It was irrational because he wasn't anything to me. I just met him officially but a part of me got insulted in a way. It was almost like he was implying that I would not be able to stay away from him. That I would want to continue from last night.

Good thing I realized where my thoughts were going and I put on the brakes. My background hasn't really made me trusting of men and here I was already judging someone I just met. I knew that what he did last night with me was wrong. But to solely judge him based on that would be also wrong. So I pushed those thoughts to the back of my mind and just smiled at him. "Elliot, last night was last night. And today, we're no longer Chris and Grace, we're Elliot and Olivia, SVU partners. No, there's not gonna be a problem, El."

The smile came back on his face and he asked me, "Did you just give me a nickname?"

"Huh? What?"

"You just called me El."

"I did?"

Still smiling broadly he had nodded and replied, "Yeah, you did."

"Sorry?"

"Nothing to be sorry about Liv. I like it."

"Liv?"

"You know, Liv - short for Olivia."

"You giving me a nickname too, Stabler?"

"I think I like El better. And yeah, I am." His eyes were twinkling now. And I knew then that the discomfort from a few moments before was now gone.

"Liv…Hmmm…" I remember thinking it over saying the name over and over, testing it out. Then finally after I was sure that he had been tortured enough I gave my verdict. "Liv. I like it, El."

"Good."

And thus that was the start of Liv and El, Benson and Stabler, the dynamic duo of SVU. And for nearly the entire next year, we kept our promise. We grew closer and our friendship blossomed. I became his confidant and he became mine. He knew my secrets and I knew his. I even met his wife, Kathy and their four kids, months after we became partners and by then, our one night was practically a non-issue.

We even survived my sleeping with someone else from SVU, Brian Cassidy. Again, it was supposed to be a one night stand but Brian liked me. El convinced me to kill him with kindness. And eventually Brian who couldn't take the kind of victims we get in our job, left SVU.

Thinking back, I often wondered why Elliot wasn't more uncomfortable with that situation. But then again, Stabler can be very cocky. And also I think it's because he knew Brian would never be able to get under my skin. Not in the way he does. Yes, I think even then we knew we were under each other's skin. But we didn't say anything. We just passed it off as deep friendship. And we were able to fool everyone and ourselves that it was all that it was.

There were other unimportant guys after that…guys that I would only mention in passing. Or not at all. And whether he knew about it or not, it didn't seem to matter – after all it shouldn't matter.

A shrink would have probably said that we became co-dependent but whatever. A lot of people began to notice us. They told us we even walked in sync with each other. That we had a way of communicating that they could not understand. But again, we passed it off as the results of spending so much time with each other. I think looking back, we never allowed ourselves to really look for any other meaning to our relationship. I don't think we were ready then. And so, we were able to keep that up façade, we were able to believe that lie for a while until a case nearly a year into our partnership made us need each other again. Until a case so messed up made us turn to each other again that no two people who are only friends should.

You would think it would be a case of rape that would lead us to temptation again. I remember a case earlier on involving a rape victim in the beginning that got to me. Being a product of rape, rape cases tend to get me a lot more than the other people in our unit. But that wasn't it.

Of course, the case I'm talking about still involved rape but it was so much more than that. It disturbed us both a lot. With me again, because it involved rape. As for Elliot it was the fact that the victim was a girl just slightly older than his oldest daughter. We couldn't believe that this well to do couple both of whom seemed so normal could actually be guilty of keeping a young girl imprisoned. Not just imprisoned. But my God, when we finally found her, she was in this made up drawer or box – however you would like to call it that pushes under their bed and that's where they kept her locked and caged like some sort of belonging you store when you don't need it. Before that we found a torture chamber full of S&M gear – the whole gamut of it. And after we found her, we knew what kind of hell she had been through for 3 years. 3 years!

After we made sure she was alright and turned her over to the proper department and we arrested the bastard who instigated the torture on her, we did our paperwork. And it seemed on the surface everything was normal. Well at least, as normal as anything would ever be in our line of work. Only this time it wasn't.

I saw El finish his paperwork and normally once he was done, he would start to pack up and then be on his way home. But that night, he didn't. When he was done and I was finishing up mine, I could see that he was still tense. There was a look on his face that told me that everything wasn't alright with him. His face was distraught, his expression tense and sad and angry all at the same time.

By this time, we had been able to move on from our one night together. I admit from time to time, I would have flashes of that night and how good the sex was, but by this time, it was practically out of our system. Almost like it didn't happen.

A week or so after we were officially partners, he finally told me why he had done what he had done with me that night. He told me he had no excuses. That he had been weak because he had been in a fight with his wife. I didn't really want to hear it. But he was my partner. So I listened.

As I got to know him through that first year, I realized what he told me then was true. It WAS the first time he had done anything like that. And even though he did end up cheating on Kathy then, I felt better somewhat that this wasn't something that he usually did. I realized then that maybe he was really just a nice guy, who tried to do the right thing when he married his pregnant high school girlfriend who now years later, had a weak moment.

But I digress, as I said, that night was practically out of our system or so we thought.

After I finished my paperwork, I invited him to go out for a drink. I kept thinking he really needed it. And honestly so did I.

Usually Elliot was quick to say yes or no. But tonight, something seemed to make him hesitate. I heard it in his voice. I could see he was about to say no but then I don't know what, something changed his mind. And he said yes…sort of…that is he told me he didn't really want to go home yet – but he didn't want to go out either. He said, "Liv, you think we could just have a couple of drinks and take out at your place? I'll buy."

That's what he said.

A look in his eye set off alarm bells in my head. But I ignored them. I thought to myself I was being silly. This was Elliot. It wasn't that I thought he was going to hurt me or anything like that at all. But I had the distinct feeling that this night was going to be different from our other nights.

But once more I ignored that intuition and I agreed.

So once we were done packing up, we took a cab to my Upper West Side apartment. Once there, we ordered Chinese food at my favorite place and then I took out my stash of vodka and we started to drink while waiting for the food.

"The case got to you, huh?" It was my first foray into making him admit what was bothering him.

"And it didn't get to you?" He shot back, pain in his eyes. He finished his first glass of vodka quickly and poured himself a second glass right away.

"Maybe you should wait for the food,El. Get something in your stomach before you drink again."

"Fuck that. I want to drink. My God, Liv, did you see where he kept her? That torture chamber?" Elliot took another long sip of his drink, but this time, he did not finish it.

"You were seeing Maureen in her…"

"God damn it, Liv! Of course I did. I can't imagine what sort of depraved person can do such a thing? And for his wife to let him get away with it – keep his secret and go along with it! What kind of people are they! Are they even human?"

I saw unshed tears in his eyes and in order to not let them fall, he finished his drink and poured himself a third drink.

I was about to protest but thankfully my buzzer saved him from my ministrations. "Food's here." I told him.

He nodded and he went to my door to buzz them in. As he waited for the delivery I told him that I was just going to go and change. He nodded again and I went into my room.

When I came back out, the food was already laid out on the table in front of my couch. When I walked in, I suddenly felt goosebumps on my entire body. For the first time since that night, I saw and FELT him rake his eyes over me with lust. Yes, I saw it, I knew it. And suddenly as sure as I had been a year ago, I knew we were going to end up in bed tonight.

Maybe I should have kicked him out then. Nipped it in the bud. But I didn't. In retrospect, I think I thought I could say no to him. That I could resist him. That I was that strong. And well….

But that's getting ahead of myself. I saw that the third drink he had poured himself was nearly halfway done with it. I was about to say something again, but once more I guess even then we had that Benson Stabler way of communication that everyone said we did and without a word, I knew that would be a bad idea. So I didn't say anything. I simply started to eat and so he followed suit.

It was the first time I think that we ate a complete meal in utter silence – well nearly the entire meal. I wanted to draw him out – but I knew him well enough to know that until he was ready, Elliot could not be convinced to do say or do anything he wasn't ready to say or do. So I simply shut up.

Finally when we were down to our last pieces of our General Tso's chicken, he spoke. "Liv, you know I know that girl wasn't Maureen but I kept seeing her face. And it hurts. It hurts a lot to know inspite of all our efforts there are people who get away with these things."

"It wasn't Maureen El."

"I know but, damn it Liv. Days like this I just wanna give up."

"You can't. We can't. Because if we do, then more good for nothings like that would be out on the street."

"I know. God the things we see!"

"Do you ever talk to your kids or Kathy about it?"

"Not my kids. Not ever. I don't want them to see how scared I am for them."

"What about Kathy?"

"I try but I can't. I don't think she can bear it, Liv. Honestly. She's not as strong as you. Plus I don't want her to see my fear either."

"Why not? Maybe you're underestimating her."

"No. I'm not. I know her. And besides, I'm not supposed to afraid. I'm supposed to be the strong one. I'm supposed to be the one to protect them. And if I talk to them about it, then for it's like bringing the horror to them."

"Okay…but wouldn't you want them to know the dangers out there? So that they can protect themselves?"

"But that's just it, Liv. I don't want to be the one to shatter their innocence. It should be enough that I know. And since I'm the one who knows, it is my duty and obligation to take care of them and protect them."

"But El, you can't be with them all the time. Plus keeping all this to yourself is killing you. I can see it."

"I'm not keeping it all to myself…"

"Oh yeah, you just told me you don't talk to Kathy….so who do you…"

"You Liv. You. I talk to you. I sincerely don't know what I'd do if you weren't here."

"You've had other partners before me, El."

"Yes, but no one quite like you and me. I don't know Liv. Sometimes, I wonder how I survived those years without you as my partner. But somehow I did. But now it's been 5 going on 6 years for me in SVU and maybe I'm tired. My wall is crumbling. And I'm glad I have you and your strength to help me up. And maybe it's because I know you've been through a lot too in your life. You see the same things as I do Liv, but I can see you remain strong and true and etermined to make this world better. And I realize for the past several months that's what's been holding me together."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. People may see me as aggressive, strong, cocky...but in all honesty I think you're so much stronger than I am. And because of that, when I'm with you, I also feel stronger. Is that wrong? Is that too much?"

I don't know what it was but suddenly, we found ourselves just staring at each other. Suddenly we were just quiet. And now, I don't even remember if I reached for him first or if he did. All I know is that the next moment, he was kissing me. Hard. And the very moment our lips touched, we were in trouble. We knew, both of us knew, we weren't stopping not until we made each other cum over and over again.

It was almost a year ago then from that night we first fucked. Chris and Grace. That night had been amazing in the way an encounter you thought you'd have only once could ever be.

But this time, it was different. Chris and Grace were long gone. That night it was Liv and El. Two people who had grown so close.

That night Elliot spent that night in my place. He didn't go home. And he made me cum over and over again. And I did the same for him. I can still remember the way his cock filled me up and the way he made me quiver. The way he made me shout his name over and over. I don't think I've ever so much pleasure before. The more he did to me, and the more I did to him, the more we needed and craved one another. All our pent up emotions from everything in the past year came bubbling up to the surface.

I also remember the way he held me. The way he looked at me. And I remember how he had cried the last time he came that night. He let it all out and I'd like to think afterwards he felt better. And because he felt better, so did I.

We knew that night it wasn't about two people being horny. Or succumbing to temptation. It wasn't about him cheating. It wasn't about me getting my kicks over his wife. It was about comfort and the need to feel safe from all the tragedy that we saw daily. In a way, it was about comfort that only he and I could give each other.

Did I love him then? I don't know. I guess I did. But I don't think I realized the extent of it until later…much later.

This is only the beginning after all.

After we tired ourselves out from making love three times, he and I just laid in bed silent, our arms around each other. It was then that Elliot asked me a question that had anyone else asked of me, I would have surely slapped them. No, he didn't ask me to be his mistress. He didn't ask me to have an affair with him. Not in that sense. But he did ask me something that I said yes to. And to this day, I both revel and regret that fact.

What was it that he asked me?

He and I were face to face in my bed. I could see so much emotion in his face and I know my face held the same kind of expression. He touched my cheek and then kissed me. When he pulled away, that's when he asked it.

"Liv, can I ask you something? And I'm already warning you that it might be the most selfish thing you'll ever hear me ask you. It might even be the most selfish thing that you'll ever hear a man ask of you…but I need to ask it."

My brows furrowed and I grabbed his hand that was on my cheek and held tight in own hand. It was late and after so my whimpers and cries and moans, my voice couldn't manage more than a whisper. "What is it, El?"

"I love my wife, but when it comes to getting comfort from all the tragedy we see, she can't give that to me. Only you can give that to me. I was thinking…as selfish and wrong as this may come out – God, how do I ask this?"

I gave him a little smile then and replied, "Just ask."

"Okay…well, have you ever watched a movie called "Same Time, Next Year?"

When he said that my first thought was, 'what the fuck', because I had no idea where he was going with this. But all at once I remembered the movie. I was quite young when it came out but I remember watching it years later.

"Yes, I think so. Isn't it about two people who were married to other people but after a chance encounter one night, they agree to meet the same time every year? And during that one day or was it one weekend a year, they would be with each other and only each other?"

"Yes, that's the one."

"What about it?" My heart was pounding already at that moment. I knew what he was going to ask.

"Liv, can we meet like them, like this once a year? Once a year – where we can let everything out to each other. Comfort each other, listen to each other. One day or one weekend, whichever is okay for you, once a year where we can just talk, argue, fight, joke, eat, sleep, make love and just release every hurt and sorrow and tension we built over the year? I think I need that to survive this job. I know, I know why not just quit. Because I can't quit. With all that we see, how can I quit?"

My mouth had fallen open amidst his speech and I thought 'No, no way. Is he for real?' But then he wasn't finished. It was what he said after all that got to me.

"And Liv...I...I think I need it to survive you."

He needed it to survive me.

"What do you mean?" I asked him. Yes, I asked him.

And he replied, "Because Liv, we've been together twice and as banal as it may sound, I've never felt with someone the way I feel when I'm with you. That has been in the back of my mind since I found out we were partners. And I can't do it anymore. But I can't leave my family. I'm not asking you to be my mistress or to have an affair with me. But as selfish as I may sound right now, I am asking you to be with me once a year, just like that movie. And the rest of the year, we can be just Benson and Stabler."

"What if I get involved with someone?" I could not believe I was even considering it. But the moment that question was out of my mouth, I knew I was considering it. In fact, I was more than halfway to saying yes.

"That's not part of the equation. It's once a year until…until we no longer need it."

I know he probably didn't realize it but basically he had put me on the same boat as him. He never asked me though. He just assumed. And amazingly he was right. I had no one to comfort me whenever anything I encountered bothered me. I didn't have an outlet to let it all out when it got too much. And too much was always part of our job. And not that I would have told him then, but he was right. Like him I have never felt anything in my life with anyone else, the way I felt when I was with him. But he didn't need to know that. Not right now.

I didn't realize that I had remained quiet for so long until I heard him say my name again. "Liv?"

I looked at him as he finished saying my name and even before I said the words, I had already agreed with him. "Yes."

"Yes what?" Elliot asked, needing confirmation.

"Once a year – the two of us – one weekend, no matter what. Until we no longer need it or each other." My voice hitched at the end.

"Are you sure?"

He gazed at me, his expression serious and earnest. I paused for a moment and then I replied softly, tenderly, "Yes, El, I'm sure."

He groaned then and the next thing I knew we were making love again. And we made love well into the dawn.

When we finally stopped making love, the first light of the next day was already peeking through the dawn sky. I asked him if he was going to go home or sleep there.

He never replied, instead he just wrapped his arms around me and for the first time, we fell asleep together.

When my alarm clock buzzed a few hours later, I found Elliot still there and just before we got up to go to work again, he made love to me once more.

A couple of hours later, we were at work. And we reverted to Benson Stabler mode. Until next year.

And that was the first year. We were partners for 12.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TBC…
> 
> What do you all think so far? Up next, we find out about their second year together.
> 
> By the way, "Same Time, Next Year" is a real movie. It came out in 1978 and it starred Alan Alda and Ellen Burstyn. Ellyn Burstyn if you all recall actually played Bernie Stabler in the series. And no the movie also does not belong to me. I put the disclaimer here because I didn't want to give away the plot in the beginning.
> 
> Again, I hope you enjoyed reading! Again, please review! Here and on Twitter: Jo_Bautista


	3. The Second Year

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter, Olivia's mom dies...and at first she holds every emotion in, until she can no longer do so...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Law & Order SVU and its characters are not mine.

"Why are you holding back Liv?"

That's what he asked me when he came up to the cribs. It had been a month since my mother died. And for the first time since we became partners, Elliot saw me really closed off to everyone including him. I don't think he liked that.

But still at first he just let me be. Maybe for a week, he left me alone. I'm sure he figured I just needed some space. After all my relationship with my mother had been a complicated one. Having me as a product of her rape was something she never fully reconciled with. I came from her so she loved me. But I also came from her rapist so she hated me.

All throughout my life, we had a love hate relationship. When I was good in her eyes, she would love me. When I was bad in her eyes, she would hate me. And it seemed throughout my life, it was the latter that reigned.

She became an alcoholic after she had me. Probably because every time she looked at me, she saw him. But every time she saw me, she also saw herself. I was an angel to her and yet I was also the spawn of the devil.

I had resigned myself that it was just going to be like that with my mother. But of course, she was my mother. I never gave up trying to get her to love me. To get her to somehow forget what my father – whoever the hell he was – I didn't know then – I did eventually – but that's later on, we'll get to that later – was to her.

I don't think I ever succeeded. And because of all of that – well that was why joined Special Victims. She hated it when she found that I took a post in SVU. She thought it was just me solidifying my obsession to bring her rapist, my father to justice. She didn't buy the excuse that the reason I volunteered for the unit was so that if I could help it, no one would ever have to go through what she went through again…that no other child would have ever to go through a childhood and growing up years as I did again.

Of course, that's a pipe dream. I'm not Wonder Woman and my team as wonderful as they were then and still are now - well we're not the Superfriends. But at least I could help. At least I could be their voice in court when they came forward and testified. I would be their support and their rock. I would be to them what my mom never allowed me to be to her.

So when she died I was devastated. She had slipped on the subway stairs because she was drunk and died. I now had no one in the world. I never really did, but having Serena Benson alive even if she was drunk somehow allowed me to have some sort of family, some sort of stability.

Suddenly, in one moment that was gone.

We were in the middle of a very fucked up case when Captain Cragen told me about my mom. I didn't even cry when he told me. Very gently he had told me to go home. And he had told me to take a few days off. I did and then right after the cremation, he was very surprised to see me back at the station. He insisted I take the day. I said no. I told him I needed to work. He saw that I couldn't be dissuaded so he let me be.

That day and for a week after, Elliot just let me be. But then he saw that while I was en point during work, I was also quieter. I was less effusive with him. One time, he saw me talking to a victim's mother and he could see I was on the verge of tears.

At the end of the second week of my withdrawal, he started trying to draw me out. He would invite me to dinner, bring me snacks, and just talk to me about nothing and everything. He tried to bring back the Olivia that he knew I was.

But I was still in shock. No one knew that I didn't cry during the cremation or the service. All throughout the entire ordeal of dealing with the details of such a death I was just numb. It was like all my emotions were just stopped. I was incapable of feeling. And when I did feel a tiny sliver of an emotion, I would quickly try to put a stop to it.

I don't know. I think looking back, I thought if I didn't cry about it, it wouldn't be real. I was able to hold on like that and I was able to resist the attempts of Elliot to draw me out for a month. Until he came up that day to the cribs.

It was near the end of a very shitty day for us. What day isn't shitty for SVU after all? But as far I knew, there was nothing on his side that really rattled him for the last couple of months. Maybe it's the consequence of the job. Getting numb and being able to finally stomach what we actually saw.

The end of the day for us was actually at 8 am. We had worked through the night and I had told him that I was just going to take a nap in the cribs and to come get me if I was needed. When 8 am rolled by, he came up to tell me that we could go home.

I remember feeling his hand on my shoulder, gently shaking me. My eyes flew open and I sat up groggily. "Hey, something break?"

"Nah.., " he said, rubbing his jaw. "It's 8 am, Liv. We're done for the day. Cragen said to come back in two days."

"What?" I knew I sounded upset and Elliot gave me a puzzled look.

"You're not happy to be off?"

"It's just that…" My voice trailed off and I could feel the tears about to come. I took a deep breath and steadied myself.

Elliot saw what I did and asked that question. "Why are you holding back, Liv?"

I didn't reply. Instead, I simply stood up and walked out of the cribs. I quickly grabbed my things from my desk and walked out into the morning sun. I didn't look back.

When I got to my apartment, I quickly went in and I showered. I showered because the warm water always managed to calm me down. And it usually made me drowsy especially a hard day or night at work. And right then I just wanted the oblivion of sleep.

I was just getting out of the shower when suddenly I heard a knock on my door. I have to admit I was annoyed at whoever it was. But I was never the type to ignore knocks. Most of my neighbors knew I was a cop and there was something me that always thought what if it was someone in trouble?

So I suppressed a sigh, put on a robe and went to the door.

Before I even looked through the peephole, somehow I knew it was Elliot. Just over three months ago, I had given him a key to my apartment – the building entrance and to my apartment door. I could surmise that he used that building key but not the apartment key. I was grateful for that. As close as we were he always somehow knew where I drew the line.

I opened the door and let him in. As he walked in the first words out of my mouth were, "What are you doing here, El?"

"Jesus, Liv you left the precinct like a bat out of hell and you didn't think I'd be worried?"

I remember sitting on the couch and shrugging and telling him, "You didn't have to worry. You told me that we were done and so I left."

I saw him sighing as well and weighing what he was going to say next. I didn't want any emotional speeches from him so I tried to pre-empt him. "Look, El. I'm fine, I'm tired…I just wanna sleep."

"Liv, you're depressed. Or at the very least, sad. Why won't you talk to me?"

"There's nothing to talk about, El."

"Your mother died."

"Yeah." I tried to maintain my composure.

But then he did something that broke it. Elliot stood up, sat next to me and the next thing I knew he had me in his arms. He held me tight, embraced me and told me, "Liv, just let go. Cry, sob, shout whatever. Just let go. I'm here. I'm here for as long as you need. I won't leave you."

The next thing I knew I was crying…HARD. Finally I cried for mother. I cried for everything we shared. And for everything we didn't get to do or talk about or share. Elliot held me and not for one second did I feel him move or loosen his arms around me. I cried long and hard. I had soaked his shirt by the time I was done. But after I was done, I felt better. Amazingly, I felt better.

When I finished crying, I slowly untangled myself from him. He looked at me and suddenly he kind of gave a moan which he suppressed the moment he saw that I heard it.

I was puzzled at first as to why he made that sound and then I realized that my robe had fallen open and he could see my naked body through the open portion.

Then it was like someone had lit a fire under me and I was on top of him, straddling him, kissing him hard.

"Liv…I…" Elliot hedged as I tore my mouth away from him.

"What's wrong? Wasn't it our agreement? Once a year? If we needed each other? Well I need you now, El." I told him. I knew my eyes were blazing with lust and need.

"It's just that I don't want you to think I came here for this. I was just really worried about you."

"El, I don't think that. So get it out of your brain."

"Okay." He breathed, reassured.

I removed my robe and I exposed myself to him. I let him see all of me. He saw my hardened nipples. He saw my flat stomach. He saw my flushed skin. Then I grabbed his hand and moved put it in between my legs and let him feel how wet I was.

He whimpered the moment he touched my pussy. I was suddenly so horny and aching from wanting him. And I could feel that he too, felt the same aching need because I felt his dick twitch and harden from under me.

"El…" I whispered as I went up and down on his hand in between my legs. "Fuck, I'm so wet. Let's take this to the bedroom."

I used all of my strength to stand up from where we were and to drag him to the bedroom. Once we were there I told him to strip, which he did very quickly.

I was soaking and aching for him so much so that I know that I pulled him quite roughly to the bed. But he didn't bat an eyelash.

There was no foreplay this time around. There would be time for that later on. And just like that he was inside me. I cried out as he plunged in and out of me. He felt so good inside of me. His cock, my God, it was probably the biggest I've had. And every stroke, every thrust he made was heaven. The friction was amazing. For the first time in my life, I didn't ask a man to put on a condom.

I know it was reckless behavior but I didn't care. I needed him so badly. I needed to feel every inch of him. I didn't want to miss out on a single sensation.

He had almost brought me to my edge but I hadn't had enough. So I flipped us over. And I pulled up, and suddenly he was no longer inside me. He looked at me with question in his eyes.

"Liv?"

"Sssh…wait. I don't want to cum yet." I told him.

He groaned. He needed to be inside me I knew. And I wanted him inside me but not yet. Instead I just sat on his dick – but I didn't put him in. I bent down and started to kiss him. Gently this time. As the tenderness replaced the frenzy, I could feel my emotions getting the best of me again. And this time, I didn't fight it.

As I kissed him passionately, his arms went around me and the moment they did, my tears began to fall again. When he felt my tears stain his cheeks, he sat up, taking me with him.

We stopped kissing and I lifted myself up a bit, reached for his hard length, lined it up with pussy and then impaled myself on it. The sweet pleasurable sensation filled me up and my tears came pouring forth. I put extended my legs in front of me and then locked my ankles on his back. The position made him go deeper in me than I ever thought possible. But we didn't move. Instead we just continued with our tender kissing.

It was probably one of the most emotional and most intimate moments I've ever experienced in my life. To this day when I remember that day, that moment, I still get goosebumps. It was an amazing, heady, sweet and seductive experience.

We couldn't stop kissing and we didn't. Even as we started thrusting against each other again, we continued kissing until we couldn't anymore, until we finally had to give it each other the release we needed that I needed.

Our foreheads touched as I grinded and thrust on his cock. His hands were on my ass - digging on them causing a bit of pain that only enhanced my pleasure. The sounds that were coming out of my mouth that night were nothing that I had ever heard from me.

I think I loved him then. But I couldn't say it. And I don't think it ever occurred to me at that time. As they say hindsight is 20/20 and it was only years later…oh maybe after he went back to his wife that I realized that we loved each other even then.

So there we were, having sex…or was it making love? At that time, I would have said we were just fucking each other out of need. And that time it was mostly me who had the need. I fucked him out of need.

But was it really just that? Because even though I never thought about it back then, looking back, even then, he had the ability to stir so much feeling and emotion and passion from me. Was it really just fucking or sex? It's 13 years later and maybe I'm just tired now but I really would like to think it was more than that even back then.

But anyway, I've run away from the story again. So there we were, our limbs entangled, our foreheads touching, his hands on my ass and mine where around his neck. I continued to ride him and he continued to thrust upward to meet my every motion. And my God, I'm sorry, I knew he was committing a sin with me because I wasn't his wife, but it felt fucking good. In the midst of all that pleasure my tears subsided finally when we pulled apart to look into each other's eyes, I don't know what we saw, or maybe we didn't want to know but that's when we both shattered and came apart. I swear to you I could feel every spurt of his cock spilling his semen into me. My pussy clamped and squeezed his cock so hard. I know because he said so. He kept shouting it. Just like he kept shouting my name. I kept shouting his too. Over and over. Until our orgasms subsided. Until we could no longer shout and cry.

Once we were done, I got up and when he felt his cock slide out of me, he moaned. "Shit, Liv. I hate not being inside you." That's what he told me.

And I remember just smiling and telling him that I felt the same.

It was nearly 10 in the morning and I was exhausted physically and emotionally but I had one more thing on my mind.

"El?"

"Hmmm?" He looked at me and reached for me. I willing crawled into his waiting arms.

"We said once year, right?"

"Uh-huh."

"I know it's not a weekend and out of the blue but we were told not to come back to the precinct for two days…can you…can you make an excuse to stay here with me?"

I looked at him hopefully and he smiled. It was a smile weak from the physical exertion of our fucking but a smile nevertheless. "Of course." He told me. "I'll think of something."

"Okay, good. Thank you El."

"Liv, I'll always be here for you."

I nodded and kissed him briefly. "I know."

"You better."

"El? It hasn't been a year yet since our last…well you know?" I asked in a tentative tone of voice.

"Don't worry about it, it's a different year and well you needed it."

"What if you need me, what then?"

Elliot chuckled. "You worry too much, you know? We'll figure it out, okay?"

"Okay."

We were quiet for a few minutes and then Elliot spoke up again. "Liv, I have something to tell you."

I smiled at him a bit sleepily and asked, "What is it?"

"Please don't be mad, okay. Just hear me out."

I remember my brows furrowing at his words and then I nodded. "Okay. What?"

"Well the NYPD's records section called while you were out the other day and they were going to ask you who to put as your next of kin now that your mother is gone…but you weren't there. So I told them to put my name. I hope that's okay. If it isn't then just call them up when we get back to the precinct in two days and change it. But there, I told you."

I look at him in wonderment then. I couldn't believe that he would do that. And a feeling of tenderness surged in me again for my partner. I know it sounds bad, but I didn't even think about his wife then. I think I got teary eyed too when I told him, "Thank you."

"You're welcome, Liv." He said.

We drifted to sleep after that. And when we woke up in the afternoon, he called Kathy. I don't know what he said to her. I didn't really ask or want to know. All I knew was after that call, Elliot and I spent the next two days together. And just like we promised each other, during those two days, we laughed, we told jokes, we got to know each other more, we watched tv, we played video games, we cooked and ate, we took showers together and we…had…made love.

At the end of the 2nd day, after we made love one last time, I felt a pang of regret as Elliot got dressed to finally go home.

When he was dressed I walked him to the door and kissed him. "Till next year." I told him, a smile on my face but a bit of sadness in my heart. He had made me feel better and happier in the last two days. And now it was ending.

I think he felt the same but of course neither of us let on. So he simply echoed, "Till next year."

Then as he stepped into the hallway, I watched him as he walked towards the elevators. Halfway there he turned back, a grin on his face and told me, "See you tomorrow, Benson."

"See you tomorrow, Stabler."

And that was it. The moment he stepped out of my apartment, we were back to just being the dynamic duo of Benson and Stabler.

That was year two. Just the second year. We have ten more years to cover.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Perhaps next chapter, we'll find out who Olivia is talking to. Perhaps not? But whatever may be the case, we delve into Olivia and Elliot's story on their third year of partnership next.
> 
> In the meantime, please do review. Here or on Twitter: Jo_Bautista


	4. The Third Year

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anger can make you do things that you don't normally do as well as love...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Law & Order SVU and its characters are not mine, they are Dick Wolf's.
> 
> Please note that the change of point of view / speaker indicated by the italics. Everything that is not italicized is still Olivia's first person POV.
> 
> In this chapter, we find out who Olivia is speaking to. Please enjoy reading and do review!

_The box had been left in his apartment door. He didn't know who delivered it or how it got there. All he knew was when he got home from his new job, it was there._

_It's been almost a year since he left SVU, almost 8 months since he's been living in this apartment in Manhattan's Lower East Side and almost 5 months since he and Kathy had been officially divorced. His life was a mess since he killed Jenna._

_He'd had a nervous breakdown after the shooting. He had to go into a rehab of sorts to get himself together. It had been hell but there was light at the end of the tunnel. He realized in rehab that he and Kathy were long over and when he got out, he made sure to take care of that._

_Of course, Kathy had been mad and the result was that he only got twice monthly visitations with his kids. But for now, that was okay with him. He knew he had to go slowly. Once he was okay, he was going to petition the courts for joint custody. But for now, he wasn't capable of that. He knew it and he accepted it. Acceptance of things he cannot change for the moment was part of his learnings in rehab._

_He had actually faced a lot of his demons in the last year and though he wasn't 100 percent yet, he was proud of what he had accomplished thus far. But there was one thing he refused to think about and that was Olivia. Once in a while, an image of her face would cross his mind and when it did, he quickly shut it out. He still couldn't deal with her. He still couldn't deal with his feelings for her. Couldn't? If he was honest with himself, it was more of wouldn't rather than couldn't. After 12 years of denial, it was now a habit – one that was wrong but at the same time, hard to break._

_At least, until the box arrived. It was a plain box and there was no return address. There were no stamps or airway bills of any sort. It was a just small brown box with his name written at the top. At first he hesitated to open it. Over the years, as detective, he had made enemies – people he had sent away to prison have been known to make threats against him when they got out or even in jail. So he was wary at first. But then after careful inspection, he was convinced that this box was just that. A box with something inside for him. Something benign. Nothing deadly. So he took a deep breath and opened it. The contents of the box puzzled him. It was filled with cds. He counted them and found that there were 13 cds in all. The cds were labeled with dates from a month after the shooting and the most recent one was only 2 weeks ago. Aside from that, there were titles that said The First Year, The Second Year until The Twelfth Year. The 13_ _th_ _cd was different. Written on the 13_ _th_ _were the words, Save for last. There were no other labels or writing in them and he had to admit, he was curious. And the short note included inside that said, "You need listen to these." made him all the more curious. He carefully studied the writing on the note. And he surmised that the note along with the cd titles were written by a calm, steady hand that he did not recognize._

_He decided then not to worry about who sent it but instead to focus on what was on those cds. So he took the one that said, The First Year, popped it into his laptop and played it. He paled all of a sudden when he heard the voice on it. Olivia. "And that was how we met…." It began. His heart began to beat faster. And as much as he didn't want to hear, he couldn't bring himself to press stop. He heard Olivia begin to tell their story. And he cradled his head in his hands._

_He missed her. He missed her so much. Why couldn't he bring himself to see her?_

_He continued to listen. For the first 10 minutes, it was just Olivia talking. He wondered who she was talking to at first, and when he finally heard a second voice, it was a voice of another woman. It sounded familiar but he couldn't place it? His first thought was Rebecca Hendrix but then again, Liv knew he had a brief flirtation with her – she wouldn't have gone to her. So who was she speaking to?_

_It was only when he was nearly done with the second year that he realized who it was. Liz Olivet. She had been a psychologist for the DA's office. She went to Liz? Did he really fuck her up that much?_ "Well you won't ever know will you Elliot? Not until you finally get the balls to go to her." _An inner voice suddenly taunted him._

_He ignored it though and concentrated on her voice telling their story. He couldn't believe that she was actually telling their story. It was sordid, wrong, right, amazing, full of love, full of passion, full of hate, anger and sadness. They had been all of that. Their story had been all of that._

_For the next hour and a half he listened to the first two CDs. At first he was impassive. By the time he got to the end of the 2_ _nd_ _cd, emotions were starting to course through Elliot. Try as he might, he could not remain stoic and detached. This was Olivia. His partner, his best friend and his part time lover for 12 years. How could he remain detached and unemotional hearing everything that she was saying? It was an impossibility._

_When he finished the second cd, he grabbed a beer from the fridge before he got the third cd to put on his laptop. Before he even played it, he already knew the pattern that the rest of the cds and the recordings contained in them were going to go. The Third Year was the title of this one and he knew that it would be about their 3_ _rd_ _year on the job. The third year of their so called agreement._

_Looking back and up until now he couldn't believe that she had said yes to that. He truly was a selfish son of a bitch. Instead of calling it quits with Kathy, he had managed to find a way to have his cake and eat it too. Yes, it was once a year, but still…he knew that if he needed to do that with her once a year, then something had been wrong with his marriage. It went on for 12 years. If Jenna hadn't had happened, it would be probably still be going on now._

_He sighed. It was too late for shoulda coulda wouldas. He pressed play then and listened once more …_

 

_  
_

Honestly, I think by the time we were on our third year, Elliot and I were in a full blown emotional affair. Not that we would have ever admitted to anyone…even to ourselves.

Sure, we only got together once a year so far. But sometimes I wonder if we could actually keep it at that. But again we weren't ready to admit to anything.

The third year was quite an emotional rollercoaster for all of us. Mostly because that was the year of 9/11. We lost so many of our friends to that tragedy that it was all we could not to give up. And to just say "To hell with it."

But we didn't. We trudged through that. We survived. We knew we had to survive for those who didn't. For those who sacrificed their lives so that we could have a future. So that we could go on. We owed them that. We owed them not to give up hope but to continue to fight the good fight.

However that was easier said than done. Once more, less than a year after the last time we came together, two cases threw both Elliot and I for a loop. Mine was the first.

I had sent an innocent man to jail. For many years of his life, he had been locked up. This was because I was good at my job and I had made my case. When the case went to trial, a jury believed me and the district attorney and found him guilty. But now thanks to the advances of science, DNA technology had found him innocent. His conviction was overturned and he was a free man. Of course, though he was free, we….I could never give back the years he lost in prison. I cannot undo anything that was done to him there.

I didn't know at first that he his conviction had been vacated and that he was released. This only came to light after three bodies turned up in a body farm just outside of Poughkeepsie. It was a federal area and so the bodies had been discovered quite quickly. I wasn't there when Elliot was called and he was the one who went up there. It made sense that it would be him to go up there because he was our federal liaison.

We later found out that I was the connection to all three. And later on we found out that Eric Plummer – that was the guy I had put in jail wrongly – was the one behind the murders. He murdered 3 innocent people plus one that wasn't quite so innocent because he wanted to get back at me. I was beyond humiliated and mad and devastated. Four people were killed because of me.

When I finally caught up to him, to Eric, he had taken another woman hostage. And I felt that I had no choice except to shoot him. I fired my gun and I killed him. I killed him only to find out that the gun he was wielding had no bullets in it…just like he told me right before I shot him.

Of course I knew I had no real way of knowing that. And knowing what he had done, that he was capable of murder, didn't really bode well for him and his credibility. As I confronted him, he freely confessed to the murders – he said he had wanted to set them free from their pain. So when he said that his gun wasn't loaded, I didn't believe him. I couldn't believe him. How could I after a confession like that? But nevertheless, I felt very guilty. I was the reason that all these murders happened. And I couldn't forgive myself for that. Rationally, I knew the system was not perfect and that I had not rendered the guilty verdict. But still maybe if I had checked the evidence again, maybe if I had not been so single minded in my quest to prove him guilty I would have seen something that would have exonerated him and 5 people would have still been alive.

After I had shot him, I shut down. Elliot kept calling me, knocking at my door but I didn't answer. I couldn't answer. No one – I thought – no one could make me feel better right now. Not even my partner.

I took a week off after that and when I returned, I was almost back to normal. I was able to talk to Elliot again. I was able to do my job to the fullest again. Though we never talked about it, I think Elliot understood. Or so I thought – at least until a case came along that turned the tables. And at that point, however irrational it seemed, I thought he was getting his payback.

Right before that case however, there was a case that I admit made me think about us. It was this case about a man who was running around on his wife. Of course, the parallels were not a hundred percent. Elliot and I weren't having an affair in the very sense of the word. And this guy was not only running around with one woman other than his wife, he ran after a lot of them. Still, it made me think. That case ended really badly. Again, there was no way what happened there could have happened to us. Peyton Cleberg was targeted for a hit that went awry. And that would definitely not have happened with us. But still, I knew what we were doing was wrong. Albeit it was only once a year then. It was still wrong. And no matter how justified Elliot and I were in doing what we did, it was still wrong.

Unfortunately, neither of us had the strength to say that. Neither of us had the strength to say no more. Especially since neither of us wanted it to stop.

The next case almost ripped Elliot to shreds. And the reason wasn't actually that one case per se. Right before we caught that one, Elliot had a previous case that went down the toilet. A pedophile grandfather who had raped his granddaughter and given her gonnorhea was acquitted. Elliot couldn't believe it. He was so angry. Worse, he made a promise to the girl that she was never going to get hurt again. And when the case was lost, I knew that was what was really bugging him and getting his goat. That because the system failed, a pedophile was now free to rape his granddaughter again.

Nevertheless, even though I understood this, it did not prevent me from being pissed at Elliot when we caught our next case. He had shut down as I had with the case of Eric Plummer. And because of this new case, he had to rein himself in and do his job. But he wasn't doing it very well. It'd have been fine with me, except his leftover frustration and anger was now spilling over and affecting the new one.

I could see the change in him. He was cold, detached, angry as he interviewed our victim. I had to get in between him and her because if I didn't he would have surely broken the already injured party. And I knew Elliot was better than that. Elliot was a great cop. I couldn't let him continue that way and get his career flushed down the toilet. It surely would have been had he had continued the way he was going.

And then after all my efforts to protect him and shield him, he did something that pissed me off. He pissed me off because when Hawk, a guy out of Manhattan South, whom he knew from the Academy suddenly swooped in and hijacked our case, Elliot automatically went with him as he commandeered the squad. I mean what was I? Who was I? I was his partner. I didn't care who this Hawk was. I wanted him to know that I was Elliot's partner. Not him. I had been covering his ass all this time and suddenly I was thrown to the side unceremoniously. Yeah, I was pissed.

Fortunately, thanks to their tenacity and stubborn nature, the rapist killer was found quickly and the case was put to bed.

But I was still pissed. I was pissed that he didn't seem to trust me enough to help with the case. I was pissed that he had so easily given in to Hawk that he work the case with him and not me. I was pissed that he had once again shut down. I was pissed that he did not give me enough importance to tell Hawk that if he wanted the two of them to work together, that I was part of the package. But he did none of that and I was pissed beyond belief.

Of course, I had shut down and ignored him during the Eric Plummer case too. But god damn it! Did he have to have payback? Deep down I doubted that it was payback, but in that moment that was what it felt like. It felt like that he was punishing me because of that.

So three days after that case was closed, I cornered him in the cribs. He was resting and I stormed into the room locking the door behind me. I shook him roughly, waking him up. He was startled and I could see that his cop reflexes had kicked in. As he sat up, he was ready to pummel whoever it was who woke him up. When he saw it was me, he took a deep breath and said in a very irritated voice, "What the hell, Liv?"

"What the hell, Liv?" I mimicked. I paused for a second and then spat out, "Fuck you, Elliot."

I knew I was being unreasonable. He didn't even know what I was mad about and I already cursed him.

"Yeah, what the hell?" He returned, his voice was cold, on the edge.

I looked at him, my eyes I knew were glittering from the anger that was surging through me. I don't know why I was so enraged. The case was over. Hawk was gone. He and I were full-fledged partners again so what the hell was wrong with me? I didn't know. All I knew was that I was fuming. I very angry at Elliot.

He looked at me, as if trying to figure out where my anger was coming from. But before he could say another word, my lips were on his. And I was kissing him, hungrily, angrily, urgently, roughly. All my resentment, all the pent up emotions that I had locked up since shooting Eric Plummer were bubbling to the surface.

I had managed to push him on his back, and he was now lying flat on the bed. He tried to put his arms under my shirt but I had grabbed them and pushed them over his head. I pinned him down. I could feel my lips getting swollen as I continued to devour him with my kissing. I could hear him struggling for air and several times he almost got out of the hold that I had him in. But my anger made me strong and I was able to hold him back.

Suddenly, his cell phone rang and I knew he had to answer it. I tore my mouth roughly away and exclaimed, "Fuck!"

I got up from straddling him and without another word, I left the cribs.

I ran towards the restrooms. I was breathing heavily as looked at myself in the mirror. My lips were swollen from the kissing and my lipstick was smeared all over my face. I turned the faucet on and started to wash my face.

All of a sudden, I heard the door open and close behind me. Before I even saw him, I knew it was Elliot. He was looking at me, the expression on his face I couldn't figure out. I could still see traces of my lipstick by his mouth.

I wiped my face with a towel and then turned to face him. The next thing I knew, he had pushed me against the sink and his pelvis was thrusting against me. His lips were on mine and his hand was underneath my shirt, squeezing my breast.

I gasped and managed to say, "Elliot, fuck. What the hell?"

"What the hell, Liv?" He returned, releasing my mouth. "What the hell was that up there?"

"I…I…" I stammered, suddenly not knowing what to say.

"What, Liv? Fuck, you're gonna drive me crazy."

I looked at him, my ass pressed against the sink and saw his blue eyes dark with lust and passion and need. I moaned soflty then replied in what could only be described as a harsh and ragged tone of voice. "I need you."

"What?" Elliot's voice was dangerously low and his hand that had been on my breast was travelling south.

"I..oh God!" I gasped as suddenly his hand was now under my pants and he had cupped my aching mound.

"What Liv?" He asked again, his voice rough as ever as he started to rub me between my legs as best as he could with my pants still on. "Say it, Liv."

"I…I…God damn it, Elliot! That's feels good." My breathing became rapid and I knew my face was flushed.

"Stop stalling, babe and say it." It was practically a command. The cocky son of a bitch. Suddenly the tables were turned and he was the one suddenly in control and demanding.

"I need you, El." I croaked. "I want you."

"Now? Right now? You want me to take you right here, Liv? Say the word and I will." Elliot told me. His face had a reckless look and one of his fingers had now entered my dripping slit.

"Fuck." I breathed. My control was slipping. I wanted him alright. But I also knew it couldn't happen there. Not because I was scared. But because I knew that it wouldn't be enough. I wanted him and I wanted him to make me squirm and cum and shout and shudder many times. And that couldn't be done here.

"You wanna fuck, Liv?" Elliot asked, his expression dark and ominous but also very seductive and hard to resist.

I nodded feverishly. My heart was pounding, scared that someone could walk in on us. I could feel Elliot's hardened cock against me and involuntarily I moaned at the feeling of it against my thigh. Forcing myself to speak, I said hoarsely, "Yes, I do but not here."

"Why not?"

"Because…"

"Because what, Liv? Because we might get caught?"

"No."

"Then why not here, right now. I can feel you Liv, you're fucking wet and ready and I'm sure you can feel how ready I am." Elliot replied, his words almost taunting.

I whimpered and I bit my lip. I didn't want anyone to hear us.

"Why not, Liv? Come on, tell me."

"Be…because, I don't want you just once El." I confessed. I looked away then, feeling not a little dirty. Once again, I needed him. God damn this job.

Elliot smirked and replied, "Is this going to be our yearly thing Liv? Because if it is, then fuck, you don't know how long I've needed this already."

I looked at him and nodded. "Yes."

He released me then and as I stood there catching my breath, he let me watch him lick the finger that had been inside me clean. "You have good timing you know?"

"Huh?" I know I looked puzzled.

"We're off again for the next two days."

I suddenly remembered that yes we were off. "So…" I started to say.

"Let's finish with our day and I'll call Kathy."

I looked him and nodded. Then without another word, I walked out of the restroom. A moment later, he walked out too.

 

 

_Elliot hit pause, momentarily stopping Olivia's narrative. Fuck. Had they really been that reckless? Elliot closed his eyes trying to remember. He couldn't believe that Olivia had been able to tell all of this to Liz Olivet and in great detail. He could almost see her during her session. He could hear the passion, the lust, the anguish in her voice. She must have really needed to finally tell someone their story._

_He heard the voice of Liz Olivet on the cd next as she asked, "Olivia, did you even question your actions then? Why him? Why Elliot? He was married. You could have had any man, why Elliot? This is only year 3 and yet…why?"_

_He heard Olivia sigh on the cd and for a moment there was just a white noise. He could tell that Liz wasn't pushing her. Finally after a few minutes, Olivia began to speak once more._

 

 

I don't know why it was only him who could make me feel better. You're right. I could have had any man. God knows, not to brag but I've had lots of guys ask me out over the years. But for some reason, none of them ever met my standards.

And I know what you're gonna say. You're gonna say that the reason for that is because Elliot was always there. And now thirteen years later I could probably say that you're on the money with that. Honestly I think it's the reason I was able to let David Haden go so easily.

 

 

_David Haden? Who the fuck was David Haden?_

_For a minute, Elliot paused the cd, wracking his brain if he knew who that was. But then he realized he didn't._

_Though it bothered him, he decided to shelve worrying about this David for now. For now, he had to finish listening to these cds. He pressed play again and listened once more._

 

 

But back then, three years in, I wouldn't have been able to tell you that. Heck. I don't think it even occurred to me. Or maybe I didn't want to even to start thinking that way.

To continue with the story, yes, we did get together that night and for the next two days. By the time we finished our shift, we were feeling antsy and not more than a little horny. I could see it by the way he looked at me. He wanted me now. And God knows I wanted him.

Thankfully by the time the end of our day rolled in, nothing came up and we were able to get out of the precinct without any hardships.

We took a cab to my Upper West Side apartment again. During that cab ride, we barely spoke. We were on opposite sides of the back seat and we didn't dare touch. We didn't because we knew the moment that we did, we would be all over each other.

So we waited as patiently as we could. Finally after battling the endless Manhattan traffic we made it to my apartment. The moment we were inside that door, we jumped on each other.

Literally, we tore off our clothes off of each other and by that time I didn't know who was leading who anymore.

Whereas the last time we did this, our experience was intimate, tender and gentle, this time around it was the complete opposite. Tonight and well into the dawn hours, we let our rage lead us. We were angry. Angry at each other. Angry at ourselves. Angry at everything we saw in our jobs. We were angry at the limited things that we could do to make things right for the victims we encounter every day. We were angry at the things we couldn't, wouldn't and weren't allowed to do.

Though we didn't get so rough that we actually hurt each other, I think it was the first time that I had ever had sex with anyone where I ended up with bruises. Though not deliberately and intentionally, the rage that had bubbled to the surface made us rough with each other. There was no gentleness this time. No tenderness.

Elliot pummeled me, rammed me and thrust hard while he was inside me and I enjoyed every minute of it. I bit him, scratched him, slapped him and he took it all. During that night, the pain we inflicted on each other was our pleasure. We liked it. We loved it. And though we knew we would never repeat it again, we reveled in it.

By the time we woke up the next morning however, the rage had drained out of us. And in the morning light, I could see I had bruises on the back of my thighs from being propped against my dresser while Elliot pummeled me. In the light, I could see the scratches I had given him running down his back, bright pink.

I could see Elliot stirring and I softly touched one of the wounds I had inflicted on him. He flinched and then turned towards me. "I'm sorry." I told him when his gaze rested on mine.

"It's okay, Liv." His words were soft and hoarse from sleep.

"I'm full of bruises too." I laughed ruefully, showing him the back of my thighs.

"Oh shit, Liv. I'm sorry." Elliot apologized, looking distressed that he had caused them.

"El, it's fine. Last night was something else. There was a lot of anger in us."

"I know. But still I'm sorry." Elliot said, looking regretful. "I didn't mean it…"

"I know…don't worry, I'm fine. I'm sorry too. I mean shit, your back is scratched up to say the least." I told him. "What if…"

He stopped my thought then. He knew so well by then. He knew what I was thinking and he knew who I was thinking about. "Don't think about it."

I nodded, glad for a reprieve. But nevertheless, for a second, I felt guilty. Once again, he was lying and cheating on his wife. And because of me. I knew that for the second year in a row, I was the one who asked. I was the one who led him to this. But then I knew it took two to tango. He didn't have to say yes. Not that I would have known how I would have felt if he had said no. But in my gut, I knew he'd never say no. At that point I didn't even want to think why he wouldn't say no. I didn't want to think why I thought he'd say yes to me all the time.

He reached out for me, pulling me down into his arms and whispered, "Don't think about it, Liv. Don't think about her. Don't think about the bruises and the anger from last night."

I nodded in his arms, but didn't look at him. "I'm sorry, El. I…I feel like I'm bad for you."

"Why?" Elliot asked.

I finally looked up at him and sighing, I replied, "Because you're married and once a year, you cheat on your wife because of me."

"That's not true and you know it." Elliot told me firmly.

I nodded again. "I know but still…I feel like I'm doing you wrong."

"Liv…you're not. Okay. I want this as much as you. We agreed that first year. But if you can't do this…then just let me know. No hard feelings. I was the one who asked you for this in the first place. I was the selfish bastard who came up with this idea."

"Yes, that's true. But I didn't have to say yes."

"No, you didn't. But why did you?"

"Because…" My voice trailed off. I could swear I felt tears behind my eyes. But I took a deep breath and composed myself. "Because I need it to survive you too…"

Elliot gave a small moan and at that moment I think he understood. We both understood. That's all we were willing to admit to right then.

That second day was so different from the night before. I think we practically stayed in bed the entire day. We did remember to eat – we ordered from my favorite Chinese place and then later on in a pizza place that we both loved. But aside from that, we made love the entire day. This time our actions were far from the way we were the night before. This time our actions were gentle, loving, tender almost poignant at times.

But it wasn't the making love part that second day of our third year that I remember the most. What I remember the most was how it felt to be in his arms. How I felt safe, comforted, taken care of. For the first time in my life I think I finally didn't feel alone.

When we finally fell asleep that second night wrapped in nothing but each other's arms, a traitorous thought wormed its way into my mind. For the first time since that first night we thought of each other as Chris and Grace, I wished that Elliot wasn't married. I wished that he didn't have to leave me in the morning. I wished that instead of partners at work, we were just partners. But of course that wasn't the case. He was married. And except for our trysts once a year, he was strictly faithful to Kathy.

_Does that make you sleep better, Liv thinking that? Who are you kidding? You guys are in deep shit._

I closed my eyes trying to shut that voice. I couldn't think that way. I wouldn't think that way. I would not be so cliché as to fall in love with my best friend. I won't let that happen.

Elliot felt me stir and he tightened his arms around me. Finally, I was too exhausted and I decided not to think anymore. It was better that way after all.

I fell asleep then. The next thing I knew it was morning. I woke up before him. I dreaded the minute he woke up because I knew then he'd be saying goodbye. But in a way I was relieved too. Though I felt better now, I was also emotionally drained. The emotions we had released on each other were so much that I couldn't help but feel tired.

I expected that he'd be out the door the moment he woke up. But I was wrong. He lingered. We were still able to have breakfast courtesy of the bagel place around the corner – delivery again of course. Then Elliot made love to me again one last time. It was only after that he left. I loved that he had loved me one more time before we had to become the dynamic duo again. However, because he did, it left me wanting more. And for now, there could be none.

That was the third year. The fourth year would bring more for us. But that's for another session and another time.

 

 

_The cd came to an end and Elliot didn't realize until then that he had been crying. He remembered everything Olivia had said in that cd. He remembered their rage, their passion. His cock twitched even now remembering the way they had made love then._

_For the first time in a long time, he let himself think of her. Really think of her. Where was she? Was she okay? Who sent him the cds?_

_Suddenly, he needed to know the answers. He grabbed his cell phone and dialed her number. He tried three times. Every time it just went to voicemail._

_Something told him that something was not right. Someone left those cds for a reason. It was almost like someone was trying to remind him of her and maybe also tell him she needed him now. But he had not been in touch with anyone since he left._

_He buried his face in his hands again, feeling helpless. What was he supposed to do? He thought hard and then finally he came to a decision. He was going to finish listening to everything and once he had done that, he was going to find Olivia. Somehow he knew he needed to._

 

_  
_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TBC…
> 
> Whoa! Who sent Elliot the box? What was he going to do? Is he finally going to find Olivia?
> 
> Up next as well, we get to the fourth year of their partnership. What happens? Do they continue? Do they decide to stop? Find out next!
> 
> In the meantime, please do review! It only takes a minute of your time and it totally makes my day. And because it makes my day, it speeds up the updating process. Lol. Thanks in advance. Review here and on Twitter: Jo_Bautista


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